Preview: Steve Jobs' Keynote Script
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have done it again. By disguising ourselves as a tour group of French retards, the moonrockreptiles Staff has been able to sneak into the nether regions of the MacWorld Expo and obtain a copy of Steve Jobs' 2001 MWNY Keynote.
Neatly scrawled on a pad of "Screw Billy G" stationary, the Jobs Keynote goes as follows:
"Thank you and welcome to the MacWorld Expo. I've seen some truly mediocre products today, and it's comforting to know that we're not the only ones frustrating the hell out of Mac users.
Today we have some truly awesome things to show you, but first let me bore you all to the point of self-urination by explaining why we're not going under this year. You see, though the past year has been tough on much of the economy, Apple has seen some bright spots. Specifically with me. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announced that over the past year I have been able to keep the vast majority of my hair intact and atop my head.
By now you all know about our commitment to giving you the best products available. We have continued to strive for this by offering exchanges on faulty G3 AC Adaptors, and today I am pleased to announce a brand new program. Everyone who has purchased a PowerMac G4 Cube will soon be receiving by mail a special coupon. This coupon allows you to come to our headquarters in Cupertino and personally kick me squarely in the testicles.
I am also pleased to announce that Apple is teaming up with Hallmark to offer printed versions of all of our iCards. To commemorate this partnership, we will be offering a brand new "Thank you Judge Jackson" iCard.
Now, as many of you know, Apple's new OS has been said to be slow, awkward, and buggy. Well, today we are pleased to announce yet ANOTHER similarity OS X has with Windows: A worthless update. Yes, OS 10.0.998 is here. It offers the same sluggish performance, bloated interface, and unscrupulous memory consumption of OS X, but 10.0.998 has two new desktop pictures, a "brushed chrome" cursor, and a startup chime of Steve Wozniak doing his impression of the infamous "orgasm scene" from "When Harry Met Sally."
Now, onto the really cool stuff. You know, we've been contemplating entering the PDA market for a while. But we thought, "Why just make a handheld computer? Why not make one you can wear?" Well, we have done just that. This thing is really cool. Say hello to the iPatch. simply take the stylish elastic band and slip it around your head, then place the iPatch over one of your eyes, and voila, you have a hands-free PDA. Not only that, but it comes in five colors, so you can have an iPatch that matches your own personality. Now you too can be a "Pirate of Silicon Valley."
Now, when it came time to update the iMac, we tried to think about what would be a hit with a modern audience. Then, we realized what one of the hippest things of the new millennium is: raves. That's why we are proud to announce the new "raver" iMacs. Featuring glow-in-the-dark pink, blue, and green cases, a special "trance" version of iTunes that we guarantee to induce 50% more seizures, and a pack of our very own multi-colored ecstasy which we like to call "iSpeed." We think this will really be a hit with the home-user market.
"Now, many of you are expecting a new G4 chip capable of competing with Intel's Pentium IV units. Well, I have something almost as good. We have here the head of Motorola President Chris Galvin on a stick. Now, while this may not help the speed of our chips, it will sure teach those bitches to mess with Stevie. Rest assured that we are working with IBM to produce a line of chips that isn't total crap.
So, let's go over exactly what we have introduced today and how it will affect you as a Mac user. Cube users will receive coupons entitling them to kick me in the balls. Everyone will be able to get iCards at their local Hallmark. The MacOS will get a much needed but expectedly lame update. Apple has swashbuckled its way into the PDA market with the iPatch. The iMac gets a new techno makeover, and those bitches at Motorola have been dealt with.
I hope you're as excited about the upcoming quarter as I am, because we have some really great products, and they are only going to improve. We hope you all will try them out at the booths, just don't ask any of the attendants for assistance, they're just our janitors and cafeteria workers dressed in khakis and polo shirts. Thank you, and good bye.
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