De-Vangelism #10


She Named Her Trombone Skott...

Hoy hoy, and welcome yet another adventure in de-vangelism. Now, I'm really excited, so let's get on with this week's rant: Attack of the penis chips!

Now, before you get on my back for writing about genetallia, let me explain the term. We all know of a few European imports and giant trucks that can be deemed "Penis Cars." Well, now we have CPUs that serve the same purpose. Yes, the new AMD and Intel 1ghz chips are penis chips. All the PC nerds now have a way to vent their raging Mac-Envy.

You can't help but question the very existence of these chips on the consumer market in a time when processor power takes a back seat to internet bandwidth and graphic cards in the home and entertainment market. A super-fast chip means little when one has a cheap card and a dial-up connection. Not to mention a crappy OS...

Of course, we can even debate if these penis chips are much faster than a G4. PC Magazine's recent comparison's proved to be extremely biased, and MacAddict's comparison's weren't much better. However, if the 1ghz chip performs as well as a G4, shouldn't it score twice as high? What's going to happen when apple rolls out the 750mhz units? Besides, milliseconds mean very little when you're staring at a blue screen most of the time.

-End Rant.

Okay, I think it's about time to pull another letter of Spacedog's Sack. This week's letter comes to us from Shannon Buwisker. Shannon writes:

Dear Mr. Spacedog,
I've been reading your column for a while, and i just have one thing to
say: Poop. Everything that has ever made it from your feeble mind to this
humble website has been horrible. Just when I think no one could ever make
themselves seem more retarded, BAM, you set a new standard. Every time i
finish reading your column i feel like my inteligence has been lowered
because of it. In conclusion, I think you should be thrown into a pit full
of angry aligators in some trashy, red-neck amusement park, where you will
be torn to bits, and then your rotting carcus will be analy raped by the
fiesty gorillas that fight the alligators after dark.
-Bewildered and un-ammused,
Shannon Buwisker

Well Shannon, thank you, you given me and everyone else here mental images that will cause bed-wetting nightmares for years to come. You should pat yourself on the back. With a very sharp stick.

It's now time to give this week's Crimson Shovel Award. This week's award was suggested by Mr. John Cruet, who wrote:

Hi Spiff:
I nominate Nortel Networks for your Crimson shovel Award. They're the dudes who do the cover of the Beatle's "come Together" song in their obnoxious ads. Remember the ad where the CEO gets up to make a presentation and he recites, "Here Come ol' Flattop he come groovin' up slowly........? Take the Crimson Shovel to these jerks once and for all.

I fully agree with JC. Nortel Networks, come forth and recieve your Crimson Shovel. I give you this award in the name of all the great songs that have been defaced by commercials lately; Baba O'Riley, Born To Be Wild, Who Are You, you have all been avenged by the Crimson Shovel. CLANG!

Well, I think I'm about done for now. Be sure to read the next issue of De-Vangelism, and send me some mail to let me know what you think of this one.

-Spacedog Spiff


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